:: Charade You Are ::

Surviving life as a lowly government employee and a hostage of lifes events.
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:: Thursday, November 27, 2003 ::

Time for another update. Was I right about my dear employer or not? Of course I was. Ok, I blew it. I finally had a plate of shit fed to me that I could not gag down. All that social engineering down the drain and really, I don't care. I had it out with them and boy did it get ugly. I knew it would. They pushed me to the point that something had to give and it did. I will be giving my notice in a week or two. I do not have a job lined up and frankly I don't care. I will find one in time. Sometimes you have to walk away in order to save what is left of yourself. They have tried to destroy me and have done a fairly good job of it, as they have done to all their victims before me. I'm just glad I finally found the courage to tell them off and now I will walk away.

Oh and the Arab? That's still an issue and it's "warming up". Don't know what I'm going to do about that. For now, let it ride I guess.

Now I will have plenty of time to post as my time with al-government is coming to a close - thank God.
:: Charade 6:50 AM [+] ::
:: Monday, October 06, 2003 ::
So, time for another update. I must make an effort to post more regular again.

First, work, that stinch in the air is much more powerful now. I knew things couldn't go long without them showing their colors and of course they did not dissapoint me. Nothing has changed, dickhead (doggie bossie) is back to "normal" being a pain in my ass. How I hate that place. I haven't even been back a month and already I can feel the poison of that place eating at me. My friend is still clinging to his job but waiting anyday now for the verdict to be handed down to him. We all know what it is. It's just a matter of playing out the hand of cards.

I'm working real hard to keep up the charade and doing well, all things considered. I spent to many months socially engineering my way to breathing room, to blow in now in a fit of temper.

I feel very stressed. I hate that feeling. Coupled with the work bizness is the Arab bizness. I'm getting in over my head and I know it. No, lets be honest here. I'm in way over my head already. Sometimes, it kind of scares me. How is this going to turn out? I'm willing to play it out but I know my Arab will eventually get fed up waiting and start making demands that I cannot honor. I've made promises that I can only fufill with an unknown amount of time and I know that eventually, I'll be called on it. Do I love the Arab. Yes I do, but I also love my spouse and my spouse needs me the most. So, what happens when I eventually get called to make a decision between them. I'll chose my spouse and what then? What will happen then? They both consider me their "property" and I'm half scared my Arab will show up to confront my spouse. I'm going to have to be very careful.
:: Charade 3:39 PM [+] ::
:: Sunday, September 14, 2003 ::
It's been a while since my last post so an update is in order.

I am back at work now, no more time off. I am not sure of what I have walked back into. I am all smiles and "what can I do for you" and all that shit but I smell something rotten in the air.

My friend is still there, they are working overtime to change that though. I suppose they found it wasn't quite as easy as they expected because they have no real evidence to pin on him. Still, they will prevail in the end. They always do.

I have been assigned back to a project that I wish would just go the hell away. I have to lead a team to try to fix something that I personally believe cannot be salvaged. I believe this project cannot be successful. I also believe management knows this. Therefore, I also believe I am being set up. This is nothing new there. I will do the best I can and hope for the best but not be surprised by anything.

I am trying to keep work in perspective. I need a paycheck and at the moment it's my only game in town. I have enough other difficulties right now and I am not going to focus on work if I can help it.

To complicate my already over stretched life further, I have become embroiled in an emotional relationship with an Arab I met on the Net. I never would have thought I would allow something like this to happen but none the less, it has. What began as an innocent friendship has taken a turn into something else.

I am now burdened with the guilt of knowing I have a spouse who loves me very much and would be devistated over this. I will not leave my spouse. I cannot, I will not, even though I know my spouse will not live to see retirement with me, nor can I ask the Arab to wait it out for me. So I am in a real pickle over this. In the end, I will do the right thing because I have to, but knowing that does not make me feel better about any of it now. In a perfect world, I could have them both but this isn't a perfect world.
:: Charade 5:56 AM [+] ::
:: Saturday, August 09, 2003 ::
I did my two week stent in the hellhole and now I'm off again. Honestly it wasn't to bad, they are to busy working over my poor friend to give me any shit. I don't know if he knows or not and I can't say anything with out getting someone else in trouble but they have taken it to the prosecutor's office to try to hang him. They have been interviewing co-workers, not me thank God, asking about what kinds of weapons he owns (none that I KNOW of). Then like a dumb ass, he comes in with this big bag and asks a coworker if he can leave it in their office. Now I admit, it was funny and it got the desired reaction, but at this stage, it wasn't smart. If I made bets, I'd give him 2 more weeks before he gets hauled out of there. He knows he's had it but I don't think he yet realizes how far they are willing to go. He swore to me that he isn't dumb enough to do any thing violent and I believe it. He thinks he can prevail in court, but I don't think so. I just know this is gonna get ugly.
:: Charade 6:26 PM [+] ::
:: Sunday, July 27, 2003 ::
Tomorrow it's back to the hellhole. I am sick just thinking about it. God, I would rather be beaten soundly that have to go back there. No one could possibly imagine how I feel as the hours tick by, bringing me closer to morning and my first day back to hell. I know that bastard will be waiting to start my day off with some kind of meeting or other such shit. How I hate that person. I wish doggie would die.
:: Charade 3:13 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, July 22, 2003 ::
Well, the lost has been found. Got a very short note from the missing friend. Said he has a lot to tell me and will write tomorrow. So at least he hasn't been vacationing at Gitmo or someplace nice like that. When da gov decides you are a physical threat..........sheeeeeit, who knows what is next. At least they never tried to pull that one on me. He said they are building a hell of a case against him, yeah I bet. Don't matter if it's true or not. Fooken bastards.

I always told him to cool it and be careful. He should have listened to me. I know how low they go and I also know it doesn't matter what YOU have to fight them with, it's never enough to save you. In the end, they have your ass if they want it. I would sure as hell hate to be at the mercy of the higher branches. As bad as it is as low level as we are, what must it be like high up? I shiver at the thought.

* for the record - the friend in question is NOT a physical threat to anyone.
:: Charade 10:33 PM [+] ::
:: Monday, July 21, 2003 ::
Still have not heard from my missing friend but I heard through an ex-coworker who talked with someone else from work that they are on him bad. Figures. I feel for him, I know what it's like being on the receiving end of it there.

I go back next Monday and I would rather be beaten than have to return but what else can I do.

I have been told, unofficially, that I am going to be offered a position elsewhere, but I have heard this before and I am not going to get excited till I get a firm offer. I pray that it's for real.
:: Charade 4:52 PM [+] ::

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